Barlow On Trump

     I got a letter from my Uncle Barlow the other day.  I hadn't heard from him in quite a while, so I was glad for the opportunity to catch up.
     He still lives the country life out there in Barlow County. He's fully retired now, so mostly he hangs out with his buddies and spends a little time with his jug. He's a good-hearted guy, so from time to time he also gets involved with trying to solve problems for his friends. That's what he wanted my help with in his most recent letter. Here's what he had to say.

"Dear Nephew,
     "I am truly sorry I have been so long without writing. As you might think, life doesn't change much out here in Barlow County, so I guess I thought I'd just wait until I had some news, and I lost track of the time between letters. Anyhow, something has come along that I need your advice on.
     "I am worried to death about Millie over at the library.  I've told you about her before. She's a good person and a hard worker, but she's mighty strong in her opinions, and so she gets worked up from time to time.  Since this fellow Trump got elected president, she's worked up just about all the time. I'm afraid she's going to blow a fuse.
     "Now, I've got some sympathy for Millie's views on this, because it did seem to me that when Trump got elected, folks had put a fox in the henhouse.  I thought maybe if she and I sat down and shared with each other about it, she might begin to feel like at least she wasn't alone. But it didn't work. The more we talked, the more upset she got.
      "Then I thought maybe if I did a little research, I could do a better job of it.  Find some little thing here or there that Millie could feel better about.  And that was the start of the thing I need your advice on.  You see, the research just got me confused.
       "Now, for starters, I  couldn't figure out why this Trump fellow wanted to be president.  You don't have to read very much to figure out that he's the kind who'd steal the coins off a dead man's eyes.  I wondered what in the world made him think he wanted to get tangled up in public service.
     "After I read a little more, one notion did occur to me.  Apparently some of his business ventures haven't gone too well.  Casinos and hotels and such. And I read that, now he's president, lobbyists and politicians and even foreign governments are lining up to have their affairs at places he owns. And I read that some of our government's friendlier policies are beginning to land on countries where he has investments.  So, maybe he figured if he got to be president, and it sort of became American government policy that you'd be smart to trade with Trump, his bottom line might look a little better.
     "Anyhow, there wasn't much comfort in that for Millie, so I kept reading.  And I got more confused. You see, we have a saying out here in Barlow County:  'Watch out for the kind of folks who'll pee on your head and tell you it's rain.'  That has always seemed like good, obvious advice to me, so I couldn't figure out what made Trump think it was a good idea to fill up his whole cabinet with that sort.
     "And then, one notion did occur to me. Since we've already got an abundance of such folks in Congress, maybe Trump thought he'd get along better over there if he matched them up with their own kind.  But it's just a notion, and anyhow, there's not much comfort for Millie there, either.
     "So I kept on reading. I thought surely I could find a person or two in the Trump camp who wouldn't make Millie's eyeballs roll back in her head.  But I only came up with the daughter and the son-in-law, whose previous government experience, near as I can tell, consisted of going to the post office. And then there's that press secretary fellow Spicer. I don't know what they're paying that boy, but I hope he's saving it up. He's boogered up that job so bad that after he's through with it he'll be lucky to get work playing piano in a bawdy house.
     "Anyhow, as you can see, I could sure use some advice on how to help Millie. Otherwise, there's not much news from Barlow County. About the biggest thing is that some city fellows opened a brew pub out on the bypass. I guess they're thinking to snare the tourists on the way to the beach.
    "None of us had ever heard of a brew pub, so we didn't know it's just a beer joint where the beer has fancy names.  Scooter over at the cafe thought it might be competition, so he went to try the place out.  They had lots of different beers, and Scooter thought he was obliged to sample them all.  He came home drunk as a fiddler's bitch and tried to get romantic with his wife, Ida.
     "Now, Ida is a real deep sleeper, and waking her up sudden is not a good idea.  Scooter startled her, and she came swarming up out of the bed clothes and clocked him with an elbow.  Then she tuned in to what he'd been trying, and called him a pervert and clocked him again.
     "Scooter did figure the brew pub might amount to competition, so he decided he'd start serving mixed drinks over at the cafe. This was a long reach for Scooter, as his previous idea of a mixed drink had been to add water to the bust-head his cousin Harold makes out behind the barn. And what with his jaw being wired together and all, Scooter began having trouble relaying the customers' orders to the help. One fellow ordered a gimlet and they served him an omelet, and things pretty much went straight down hill after that.
     "I do hope you can help me find a way to help Millie. She's getting downright strange. The other day I dropped in at the library to ask how she was doing, and she shot me this kind of stretched-out smile and said she was just fine because she'd figured out she really didn't need to worry about Trump so much. She said that sooner or later they'd catch him stealing the White House silverware or trying to deed the Washington Monument to the Russians, and he'd be out of there.
     "I think she was joking, but I'm not real sure.

                                                                                            "Sincerely,
                                                                                            "Your Uncle Barlow"