How Republicans Say Amen

    I had a letter the other day from my Uncle Barlow, who lives way out in the countryside in  Barlow County.  He wants my advice about a new challenge. Here's what he had to say.
    "Dear Nephew,
    " I've got this new situation to deal with, and I'd be mighty curious to have your opinion about how it's going.
    "You see, my Cousin Mavis has asked me to spend some time with her son Orlo. She's been raising the boy by herself ever since her husband Mandrell went missing. (The Widow Cumbee says he ran off with a podiatrist's wife from over at Tabor City, but we don't actually know if that's so, and anyhow it never has seemed to trouble Mavis much, so we just leave it alone.)
    "Mavis thinks the boy has got to an age where he needs a man's advice. She asked me to help out. I said sure, thinking I'd be talking to him about bullies and girls and such.  But this boy has got a whole different kind of thing on his mind. You see, he's been following the news, and he's got some questions.
    "Well, over he came the other day, and we set up on the porch with some RC Cola and pork rinds, and he started right in. He wanted to record the whole thing for school, and I've sent along this copy so you can hear it for yourself." 

    Here's what the recording said.  

"Orlo:  Well, Cousin Barlow, looks like the politicians are getting kind of wound up.
"Barlow:  Yes, they truly are.  There's some elections coming up, and they are maneuvering to get ready.
"Orlo: Looks like those Republicans are getting extra restless.  And what exactly is a Republican, anyway?
"Barlow:  Well, son, even the Republicans aren't necessarily sure about that one nowadays, but if I had to try to put it in a nutshell I'd say a Republican is somebody who thinks the government shouldn't be too big and should leave people alone as much as it can.
"Orlo: They think the government should pretty much try to leave people alone?
"Barlow: Yes, pretty much.
"Orlo:  Then why do they want to have all these rules to make women have babies?"
"Barlow:  Well, son, you'll begin to learn as you grow up that sometimes people say one thing but do another.
"Orlo:  Oh, I see.  Like those folks that flock down to the First Barlow County Church every Sunday."
"Barlow: Now you'll want to be careful about that. Religion and politics are two different things.  
"Orlo: Do those Republicans know that?  They sure do seem to be friendly with a lot of those preachers.  But I guess that does kind of make sense, seeing as how they are in similar lines of work.
"Barlow:  Pardon?
"Orlo: They both want to tell you what to do, and they both want you to send 'em money.
"Barlow:  Yes, I do guess you could say that.
"Orlo:  Do those preachers tell their people who to vote for?
"Barlow:  Not in so many words, no.  But they are pretty slick about letting it be known what kind of politics they favor.
"Orlo:  Well, then, do their friends the politicians tell people to go to church?
"Barlow:  No. Not in so many words.
"Orlo:  But what would happen if the politicians started favoring things the preachers didn't like?
"Barlow:  Then I guess the preachers would stop leaning their way.
"Orlo: So, to keep the deal going, the politicians have to favor the government doing things the preachers like?
"Barlow: Yes, I suppose so.
"Orlo: Like those rules to make women have babies?  That's kind of a big thing with some of those preachers, isn't it?
"Barlow: Well, that's for sure.
"Orlo:  So, the politicians don't tell people they have to go to church, but they do tell people they have to do what the preachers want 'em to do.
"Barlow:  Uh, huh.
"Orlo:  Is that why some of the politicians want to make rules against gay people, too? Because of what the preachers say?
"Barlow: That's certainly mixed up in it, yes.
"Orlo:  Is it contagious?  Can you catch it?
"Barlow: Is what contagious, son?
"Orlo:  Gay-ness. Being gay.  Some of those people act like they're afraid if we let gay people have the same rules as everybody else, then everybody would want to be gay. 
"Barlow: No, son.  Being gay is not contagious.
"Orlo: Then why are those preachers and their friends so hot against it?
"Barlow:  They say it goes against the Bible.
"Orlo:  Oh, my goodness.  Did Jesus say it's bad to be gay?
"Barlow: No, Jesus didn't mention it one way or the other.  The folks who talk about it being against the Bible are talking about the Old Testament.
"Orlo: Isn't that the part of the Bible that talks about not eating shellfish and such?
"Barlow: Yes, that's it.
"Orlo:  If a lot of those Republicans get elected, will I have to give up shrimp?
"Barlow:  No, son.  The preachers and their friends skip those parts. The Bible is a very long book, and it has a lot of different parts to it.
"Orlo:  So, they kind of pick and choose the parts they want to get hot about?
"Barlow: Yes, pretty much.
"Orlo:  But suppose I read the Bible, and I favor different parts of it than they do?
"Barlow: I guess they wouldn't like that.
"Orlo:  So these preachers want their politician friends to make government rules about what kind of religion people have to favor?
"Barlow: It does kind of amount to that, yes.
"Orlo: And about sex, and who's got to have babies, and stuff like that?
"Barlow: Among other things, yes.
"Orlo: Well, all I can say is, thank goodness.
"Barlow:  Pardon?
"Orlo:  Thank goodness those Republicans say the government should try to leave people alone. Heaven knows what they'd be doing if they said the government ought to get all up in our personal and private business."

    That's where Uncle Barlow's recording ended.  He went on in his letter to say that he isn't sure what kind of advice to give young Orlo, and to ask my opinion.
    I will drop Uncle Barlow a line and tell him I think Orlo has a pretty good handle on things all by himself.