I got a letter from Uncle Barlow the other day. He's had some time on his hands since the Ladies' Auxiliary of the First Barlow Church discovered he did a little bootlegging in his youth. He's been mostly staying home and out of sight, because whenever he goes out in public they try to save him from his sins. He's used the time to give some extra thought to political trends. Here's what he had to say:
"Dear Nephew,
"Well, darned if we don't have ourselves a big political mixup here in Barlow County. The way Millie over at the library says it, the tides are changing.
"You see, the Buncombe brothers decided to set up a drag race out on the old bypass. Sheriff Poole got wind of it and figured he'd go out there and shut them down. Ordinarily he wouldn't have paid it any mind, but it was an election year, and he had a young fella giving him some competition. Sheriff Poole thought he ought to put on some extra show.
"Trouble is, the Buncombe brothers are better drivers than he is, and they have faster cars. When they saw him coming, they just lit out. They took him through a hairpin turn on the back side of Barlow's Knob, and he lost control of his cruiser and landed in the low end of Lester Hobgood's hog pen. The muck in that pen was so deep, the sheriff's car fetched up short and sharp, and the plastic Jesus flew off his dashboard and gave him a shiner.
"Now, the sheriff felt a little self-conscious about campaigning with a shiner he got from a plastic Jesus in a hog pen. So, some of the old money boys around here told him not to bother too much, just to relax -- said they'd buy him some extra advertising, even some TV time, and he'd cruise right in.
But he didn't. The young fella beat him, and now he and the old money boys are trying to figure out what the heck happened to them.
"Kind of reminds me of those Republican folks up there in Washington, since they lost the presidential election, and some seats in Congress, and a good deal of their strut. Every time I turn on the TV, I see something about them thrashing around and trying to figure out what to do now. Mostly, it looks like to me, they cause trouble, especially over there in the U.S. House of Representatives. That Speaker fellow, Boehner, has his hands full just trying to maintain an appearance that the inmates are not in charge of the asylum.
"Now, I think some of those folks have a lot of brass even calling themselves Republicans at all. I mean, I could call myself a Chinaman, but that wouldn't make me one. I'm thinking about the real Republicans -- the kind we used to have. We need to have them back again.
"I say this even though I'm a Democrat. Always have been. I kind of like the way Democrats think that folks should get a helping hand if they need one. Of course the bad news about the Democrats has always been that they can get pretty frisky with taxes.
"The good thing about the Republicans was that they were apt to be a little more careful about taxing other people's money. The bad news about them was that if you fell down, they might be a little bit too apt just to leave you where you landed.
"It used to be that if you put the Republicans and the Democrats in together, and they each got to have a little say about how they government should run, they sort of balanced each other out, and the government went along pretty well for the most part, over the longer time.
"But nowadays, when it comes to getting the government to run on more or less the right track, it looks to me like some of these so-called Republicans have been about as useful as tits on a bull, if you will forgive my language.
"About half the time, even with all the big problems that need to be talked about, they keep getting hung up on religion and sex and what women should be allowed to do with their private parts. (If they start offering to make rules about what I can do with my Johnson, I'm going to be peeved, let me tell you.)
"The other half of the time they are trying to make President Obama look bad. It's like they don't really care that the people elected him. The other day that senator from Kentucky, that McConnell fellow, got so twisted around trying to make the president look bad that he wound up talking against his own bill. I'm not sure I understand how that happened. But come to think of it, neither did Senator McConnell, apparently, so I guess I shouldn't feel so bad.
"I just don't understand how some of these so-called Republicans can hate the president so bad. They seem to think everything is just personally about him. I swear, I hope the Almighty doesn't choose President Obama to announce the time of the second coming. Those Republicans over there in the House of Representatives will vote to change the schedule.
"I decided I would take it up with Millie over at the library. She understands some of these things a lot better. And I'm going to tell what she said just the way she said it. Millie has more words than I do.
"I said: 'Millie, how come some of these Republicans hate the president so bad?'
"And Millie said: 'Well, partly it's because they're confused and alarmed, maybe even a little afraid. The times and the attitudes of the electorate are changing in ways that seem threatening to some of them. They don't like the message, so they're attacking the messenger.
" 'And then you have bunches of extremists who are bent on having their way even if a majority don't want it -- and even if the consequences don't square with what they claim are their principles. Take a look at the fine print of some of the legislation that got passed during all the blathering over the so-called fiscal cliff. Republicans stuck in some language authorizing continued spending -- which is already in the millions -- on courtroom defenses of the anti-gay Defense of Marriage Act. That act already is in deep trouble in the courts, and is being abandoned politically even by some who initially voted for it. But the Republican extremists won't let go. Talk about wasteful spending. Talk about piling hypocrisy on top of stupidity.
" 'We are likely to see more of this in the fight over raising the debt ceiling. Some in Congress are saying they won't raise the ceiling unless the White House agrees to certain policies they want. Of course, if they don't raise the ceiling, the government will default on its credit obligations -- obligations that legally apply to Republicans as well as Democrats -- an the whole country will be harmed. Republican extremists are threatening to damage the welfare of the American people if the President won't give them policy concessions they can't win by appropriate legislative means.
" 'It's a damn poor show. Officials who have accepted a sworn obligation to govern in the interests of all the people are trying to sabotage the work of a duly elected president. I suppose they will eventually learn they can't turn back the tide by shouting at it. But in the meantime they seem ready to do a lot of damage.'
"Well, that's how Millie sees it, and I have to say I think she's got some pretty good points. The kind of Republicans we used to have -- the kind who had some thougtful and useful things to say -- have gotten to be about as welcome up there in Washington as ex-wives at a family reunion.
"I have to go now. I promised to go over and play some checkers with Sheriff Poole. (We still call him that. It's kind of a courtesy.) He needs some company and maybe a little Dutch Uncle advice. He just can't stand the notion that the people turned him out. He's begun to talk a little crazy. He's saying the young fella beat him by promising to treat poor folks the same way he'd treat the big money boys -- as if there was something wrong with that. And he's started muttering about how maybe the young fella isn't really even a legal resident of Barlow County.
"On the other hand, maybe with a little time, he'll mend. He did put the plastic Jesus back on his dashboard."
"Sincerely,
"Your Uncle Barlow"
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